Here is my story….

I left school in 1982 with 3 CSE’S ,but very little prospect of a job In 1984 I was wrongly imprisoned for a crime that I did not commit. Upon release I left the country to work as a Jockey in the Middle East (moderately successful,winning the Dubai Classic in 1989 and coming third in 1990), only to be forced into retirement due to my various eating disorders,causing me to double in weight over the course of several hours.

I spent the next 2 years freedom fighting with the Sandinista’s in the hills of Central America but due to legal restrictions I cannot give any details as to what I did or where my particular skills were put to use. From there I went `underground` into the ghetto’s of Compton (L.A)to share my knowledge with the Black Panthers.Their generosity and brotherhood overwhelmed me and I dedicate this page to their struggle.I left in 1992 with tears in my eyes and a burning desire to take their revolutionary ideology to the streets of Burton.As soon as I got back I burnt out the Metro mini-market in Stretton using a mixture of toilet-rolls and Typhoo tea-bags that I had just purchased- a choice of combustable materials I instantly regretted when I got home dying for a cup of tea and needing the toilet.

However ,I must back-track because before I even got out the States an opportunity presented itself to me whilst waiting for the connecting flight at JFK airport.Damn you temptation!Don’t come knocking on my door again-or toilet stall door to be precise!I was approached in the gents lavatory by a small middle aged gentleman with a heavy Mexican accent wearing snake skin cowboy boots and carrying a copy of Burt Bacharachs Greatest Hits. Within minutes I was involved in an international betting triad.Sure, I had options and no-one forced me to do it but by using my inside knowledge of the racing game I was sure I couldn’t loose; who wouldn’t do the same in my position?

I am presently trying to pay off huge gambling debts-well in excess of 234 million Japanese Yen( see ebay.co.uk for a full listing of my house contents sale).Career wise I’m currently `heading-up` the Horninglow branch of a large independent antiques dealership.I live alone with constant pain from arthritis.

You may see me on occasions, especially on a a market day driving around Burton in my top of the range, open top lavender Lexus with my maroon velvet cape blowing in the wind. I have an orthopeadic shoe welded to the bonnet so i’m easy to spot. If I can sort my life out I intend to work with children..but guilt,rage,bitterness plus a total inability to connect with people on any level renders this unlikely. (although Dentistry has always appealed to me)

Thank-you for taking the time to read this……God save the Queen! and… Rest in Peace Stanley Unwin.

Update- I am presently in pre-production talks with Channel 4. I pitched them an idea a couple of years ago for a documentary on ‘Whistling’;the origins of whistling ,it’s history in Western Civilisation and physiological effects on the brain.One part of the show has a collection of facinating facts about whistling.If you have any whistling related stories or knowledge of specialised whistling techniques please e-mail with details.

Any successful contributors may be invited to collaborate with me on the spin-off sit-com called “Whistle While you Work” its basic premise is two Cockney, ‘ows yer father,barrel of monkey diamond geezers whistle all day at work and get up to some right old capers while doing so

If this were set in the 40’s or 50’s George Formby and Norman Wisdom would play the lead roles but alas comic actors of their depth are unavailiable today.

Martin Clunes( that big eared fella off `Men Behaving Badly`) has shown some interest and Guy Ritchie has given me the nod that he would like to direct one episode provisionally titled “Whistlin’ down the ol’Kent Road” a tale about an East End dog fight where our two likely lads inadvertently whistle while at an illegal canine gathering.A right royal rumpus ensues, I can tell you! ( I have already co-written the theme tune with Beyonce from Destiny’s Child)

P.S Don’t bother e-mailing me to tell me about how i’ve put apostrophe’s in the wrong places’ as someone did the other day! I’m on the edge here’!!